Why run?

I'm sure we've all been asked this at one time or another. Some will answer in practical terms - to lose weight, for general fitness, to see how hard we can push ourselves. Some will wax philosophically - to appreciate the aesthetics of movement, to dance to the melody of breath, to commune directly with Nature. Bunk, all bunk. Because no matter how functionally or poetically we try to obfuscate the truth, we all run to win stuff.

Speaking only for myself, as one with the natural athletic acumen of a leatherleaf slug, world record bonuses and age group trophies are beyond reach. So for next year, I have decided to create the Sea Bass Running Club Awards, the Bassies, to be doled out on December 31st, 2009. The winners will be chosen by me and any Sea Bass members with the patience to put up with my drivel over dinner a year from now. All decisions will be final, and all dissent will be quelled immediately and mocked mercilessly - hey, my blog, my rules.

Below is a list of the Bassies to be presented, and the minimum criteria required to earn each award. Winners will receive not only the plaudits of the throng, but a unique, frameable certificate, handmade by an eight year old Muslim child. These Bassies are yours for the taking, so plan your 2009 accordingly.

The Arctic Char, presented to those foolhardy runners who brave temperatures and windchill in excess of -30 degrees Celsius, for a minimum sixty minute run.

Turbot-charged, presented to the SBRC member who improves a previously documented Personal Best time by the highest percentage.

The Guppy, to honour the accomplishments of our youngest SBRC members, be it in an organized race, some laps around the couch, or a frenetic dash to the kitchen to fetch Uncle Lee a cola.

The Red Herring, presented to those competing in an organized event that has nothing to do with running. Preference will be given to anything profoundly non-athletic, such as billiards, poker, or Dungeons and Dragons.

The Lamprey, presented to the SBRC member who suffers the most spectacular fall. Corroboration ex post facto in the form of a doctor's note, a piece of the ensuing scab, or a full-speed reenactment on YouTube is necessary.

The Australian Lungfish, presented to the SBRC member who either completes a running event at more than 1000m altitude, or completes a running event Down Under and throws some shrimp on the bahbie.

The Santiago, presented to any member with a slower time in an organized running event than the oldest registered participant.

The Fugu, presented in recognition of a significant running-related injury, in which the injured joint/tendon/muscle/bone swells to at least twice its normal size.

The Nemo, presented to a SBRC member in such dire need of attention that said member will complete an organized running event in costume or disguise. Note: dressing as a clown or clownfish will be disallowed on the basis of literalness.

Runnin' for the Halibut, our Outreach award, presented to the SBRC member best able to cajole, threaten, blackmail, or downright scam new members into Sea Bass membership.

Heart and Sole, presented to the member best able to incorporate philanthropism into their running achievements. Note: donating money to one's own post-run donut fund, while admirable and standard practice, will be disallowed in consideration for this award.

The Ace of Bass, presented to a SBRC member who meets any two of the following:

1. Place a Top 20 Single on the Swedish Billboard Techno or Dance Chart

2. Compete in at least five certified and sanctioned running events

3. Legally change one's given name to Ace

4. Set a PB in any certified or sanctioned running event